Embracing Identity in the Dynamite City of San Antonio

This post is going to be a bit cliché. Typically, my writing routine since graduation back in December 2014 begins with dissatisfaction, illness, or heartache, but my heart needs more than a poetic outlet for pain. Today I write because my heart in this moment is completely full and lusting for words and connection. I am reigniting my writing and letting go of the daunting perfectionism writing brings. Welcome to my thoughts and musings about various aspects of life, love, health, fitness, dogs, coffee, ect.

Today it is about an added element to my identity: being a military spouse.

You would think that moment happened long ago, when my then boyfriend Jonathan and I journeyed out to Sierra Visa, Arizona, but no.

I fought the idea of being a “military spouse” tooth-and-nail.

First and foremost, I am just Jaclyn, after which, I am a spouse, and the military is just a career my husband chose. Period. Done-zo. But it is more than that. There’s no point in fighting it (and no reason to). Before I started my wonderful OTA program at St. Philip’s College, and my vagabond-friend Heather moved here from Colorado almost on accident, the military community was all I had, and it will be what is waiting for me wherever we go next. I have to admit, it’s pretty darn wonderful. Despite resisting, this identity has suddenly woven itself into the most essential part of my life. It determines who we know, what Jonathan does, and most importantly, where we go, creating and shaping my days. It’s about time that I faced it–I am a military spouse, and yes, I love it.

But lately, we have been finally reaching one of the bittersweet aspects of it: the goodbyes. This is a well known element of this lifestyle, but for me, it’s fresh, new, and a little more painful than I expected. I feel as though lately I’ve been preparing myself for more and more of it, as I catch myself saying, “I’m going to miss (insert mostly food items, restaurants and the occasional person here…)” instead of saying, “My this is wonderful! I’m so lucky I get the chance to enjoy it!”. I have to consciously stop myself in order to stay present instead of cramming in as many experiences as possible in the fear that we won’t have enough of them.

After being in San Antonio, TX for just over a year and a half and we are coming to a time where some pretty wonderful people are moving on to new horizons and I am realizing that I am more attached than I knew. I am attached to the people and various activities that have become staples of our lives here in San Antonio, and soon they will be gone, and a year or two later, we will be. It’s bittersweet.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel about this city, but the people here, the warm nights, the breakfast tacos, new businesses on every corner, the lush vegetation, and rivers and lakes have my heart aching to stay here as long as possible (not to mention Heather is never going to leave… or maybe she’ll just follow us wherever we go? To be continued…).

Now and forever, this place has a magical place in my heart. I feel blessed that we will be here for a while longer ❤

EvaPearlJun2017

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